h1

It comes so quick

March 3, 2008

Disclaimer:
What I’m about to write are my honest and candid thoughts on a subject I really don’t like to think or talk about.

(sorry in advance for the length of this post)

Death

I’m not afraid to die. I know where I’m going when I do. And for the most part I know where all my friends and family are going when they die as well. It’s not the destination or even the aftermath that I’m afraid of. It’s the process and the memories that go along with death. About a year and a half ago my grandmother (Dad’s side) passed away. She had been battling cancer for a few years and her body finally gave up. I always had a great relationship with this lady even though we lived states away. I still managed to see her every 1-2 years or so. I saw her two times before she died. Once was at my sister’s wedding 2 years ago, and the other the day before she died. I believe she was in remission at my sister’s wedding. She was full of life and tons of fun to be around. It was like the Babushka (grandmother in Russian) that I always remembered. A year later she took a huge turn for the worse and it became known that she didn’t have much time left. My family was planning a trip to Idaho (where she lived) to basically say “goodbye” and see her one last time. My dad had gone to visit her several weeks before and warned me that she didn’t even really look like herself. She was sick, and she was dying. I was given the option to go or stay home. They would have understood had I chosen to stay home… but they encouraged me to go so I wouldn’t regret not going years later. She did look quite different. Honestly, I almost couldn’t recognize her. It was really sad. I’m glad I got to say goodbye but sometimes its really hard to get that image out of my mind. The only thing that can be greater than a first impression is the last. I can’t say that I regret going to see her…. but sometimes I come close to it. For selfish reasons I really don’t want to remember her that way. But its the last image I have. It’s hard to shake.

This brings me to the issue at hand. My grandmother on my mom’s side isn’t doing so well. She too has had cancer years ago… and she was recently diagnosed with dementia. I guess its advancing pretty rapidly too. Doctors don’t know for sure how much time she has left but they’re saying it looks like just a few months. My mom has been visiting her about every other weekend for the past few months (for other medical issues/being with my grandpa during this). She says every time she goes her mom looks worse and worse. So yesterday I was asked the same question as the one a year and a half ago. “Do you want to see her one last time?” I’m really struggling with it this time around. I don’t want to remember this grandmother in her current state as well. But I still feel like maybe I should? I just really don’t like being in the room with someone I love knowing they’re going to die soon.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. They make me uncomfortable. But its life, and I have to deal with it sometimes.

Sorry for the sad post.

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